It’s interesting, because I never said I would blog about relationship things, but the latest posting on Laura’s blog has got me thinking seriously about my stance on cheating. You should view her posting before reading on further so things make sense.
It has taken me quite a while to think about and write this blog posting as it is not normally an area I write in. But I will fill in a little background first. I have always said that I disapprove of cheating, and I feel that I am rarely alone in that regard. I have commented as such to friends, and some of them know it very well! I have gone further than this though in my own actions as to say I wouldn’t date someone who had cheated in the past.
This is where the buck stopped with my description of cheating, my reasoning behind my statement and everything else. This was too short for Laura, and the lack of grounded reasoning, I admit, also had to be addressed. The issues with my short statement are as follows (Laura in fact brought most of them up, some outlined in her blog posting, so these are almost quoted directly from there and an MSN conversation or two):-
– What constitutes cheating? (Sleeping with, kissing, even just flirting a lot?)
– How do you define past? (Indefinite, past month, year, 5 years?)
– How strong is my “wouldn’t date” are there any exceptions?
– How fair /right is it to base such a decison purely on one thing?
– Are there any situations in which I would break my rule?
Well, as ever I was given quite a lot of food for thought on these things, and in places I could already see some holes appearing in my argument.
For a start, the first one; for me to told such a hard line I would obviously have to know if someone had cheated. If their definition was different to mine though, I could pose the question, they could give an answer and yet I, and indeed they, could still be in the dark. Laura asked me to provide a yard-stick definition, and I did, and then realised it was full of holes for everybody, including me, so I’m not going to quote it here. I have refined it to be as follows, and in fact its much simpler. I have also made it only applicable to me, my argument and my stance on the matter, as other people will, and have the right to, disagree wholeheartedly or in part. “Cheating is the act of doing something while in a relationship that your partner considers cheating, irrespective of how you feel on the matter”. This is the only fair definition. In a relationship you have to rise to the highest boundary. Whoever has the stricter definition of cheating, that is what you both must honour, else there will be all sorts of problems. Ok, so far I got my argument to hold water – just.
Defining past was a problem, and in fact Laura is reading this defninition for the first time, but it has dawned on me it has to be this one. I define past as the relationship before the one they would enter into with you. In other words their ex. After all if they cheated a while ago but were faithful to their ex. you shouldn’t close the door at the outset, there would be all sorts of factors to consider and at the very least they wouldn’t be a serial cheater. Ok, still holding water 😉
*CRASH* ok, on the third point the house of cards just collapsed. Laura is right here. How can I say in advance of all possible other influences with 100% certainty I would say no based on my reasoning alone – I can’t, I simply can’t. Few of us can, unless perhaps you have some higher faith determining how you take your decisons. For someone like me who bases decisions on logic and morals mosty, it would be impossible for me to do so. You don’t know what circumstances may exist, what kind of person they might be, how you may feel about them etc. So I lost here.
I also therefore reaslised I couldn’t answer the last point due to the above; I have to be honest and say there is no way I can say for 100% certainty that I wouldn’t break my rule. I’m not going to get jailed for doing so, so it will be down to circumstances at the time.
I hold on to the last shreds of my argument with the fourth point though. My reponse is “every right”. Unless you feel 100% sure about starting a relaionship you shouldn’t. If one of your reasons for being less than 100% sure is that they cheated on an ex lover, that is your right. In fact as you are your own person I would say you have a right to use any reasoning you like to not start a relationship. Harsh but true, and for those who have ended realtionships, you must know what I mean here with respect to ending them.
So where does that leave me and my argument? Quite simply its just opened it up a bit and forced me to take into account that all things are not black and white, and I shouldn’t pretend they are till I find myself in a situation where I realise they are not – you need to be open to the possibility from the start.
It is also worth nothing that a person’s present behaviour and attitudes to their future must have a more important role than their past. Far too many people have lost out, missed out and been unlucky simply because they have been stuck in their past.
Laura you have succeeded in partially debunking one of my most hard and fast rules through reasoning and argument, and as someone who values debate highly as a means for drawing conclusions, you’ve done a fine job.
On a lighter, less personal, and more general point to everyone though; Don’t cheat, its wrong. Moreover, don’t make people like me have to debate such slipperly slopes – after all if there was no cheating, there would be no such debate, and I think Laura and I can agree on that one 🙂
Oh, and my lack of blogging about relationships has just been resumed as of…. now! I much prefer the lighter chat anyway….. randomness anyone? 😀