Damn cretins

There I was, blissfully asleep. The first time this week when it was cool enough not to feel like a snowman under attack with a blowtorch, the open window wafting cool air over me and generally making things a whole lot better. Suddenly I hear voices, some loud, some soft, are they in my dream? What are they saying?

As I become more acustomed to the sound, I feel myself waking up; the voices are real, they are right outside my window, loud brash, disturbing my sleep. I become fully awake just in time to hear one say “try and nick some CDs”. That had me up in a flash; throwing on my dressing gown I strode to the window, flung open the curtains, just in time to see some cretin with a big head and no brains on top of the porch above the entrance to my block reaching over towards my window, where my CDs sit on the window ledge inside.

All logical thinking that some idiot like that wouldn’t be able to appreciate the finer points of Miles Davis or Bach went by the wayside and I grabbed the handle of the window as fast as I could and slammed it shut. As the voices became louder, but muffled with it, I realised the significance of my action. Not only had I enraged the cretins by foiling their stupid, pointless but almost successful plan, but I had also opened myself up to steadily rising temperatures with no cooling breeze and also the new option for the cretins to bang on the window.

In my newly establised open-window-less sauna, I started to analyse what could make these fools act this way. Judging by the agility with which more of them climbed onto the porch I figured intoxication couldn’t be an option, clearly they had no aim other than to wake the entire block and be the biggest pain possible. As the noise wasn’t too great at this stage, and they seemed more bothered with getting their friends onto the porch roof I figured I should probably try and go back to sleep before it got too hot to be able to get to sleep at all. Needless to say I was prevented from doing so; every so often there would be a bang on the window, as there was on the poor individual’s window on the first floor on the other side of the porch. I decided I had one last chance to put a stop to this, after all the worst that happened was that I wasn’t going to get any sleep.

Not being in posession of the number to call security, I had to be a little smarter. I donned my dressing gown and went down the hall to the intercom that connects each flat to a button and speakerphone by the main door, right underneath where the cretins were now ensconsed on the porch roof. I lifted the reciever, it was now or never, this had to work, or my sleep wasn’t going to happen. Quite how I did it I don’t know, but after putting on a voice of calm determination rather than the sleep-deprived individual I really was and asserting that security were in fact on their way to remove them from the roof and that it would be far better for them if they scarpered now rather than facing the wrath of a disgruntled security guard at 5am they got off the roof and started away at a fair pace, in fact in the short time it took me to get back from the phone they were all already off the roof. Perhaps they thought I was the subwarden or something.

Finally I could get some sleep, although I didn’t dare open the window for fear of revenge attacks when they possibly realised security were not on their way and had been duped.

Needless to say I can’t wait to get out of halls and into a much more civilised atmosphere where a solid nights sleep free from cretins is a dead cert not a game of chance.


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1 Comment

  1. James Said,

    June 15, 2006 @ 11:26 am

    My goodness! Could you imagine if they stole a signed CD from Courtney Pine, Dennis Rollins or Tracey Chapman!

    This brings up an interesting question, once discussed at the Union: How far can a reasonable man go in order to defend his Castle?

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